Fixing What Doesn’t Need Fixing

I have truly found my passion in life and that is the practice of self-discovery and personal growth.  I have experienced huge changes in my life when I became aware of unhealthy patterns and limiting beliefs that held me back from living a happy and fulfilling life. 

I have also uncovered little habits and ways of communicating that may not be life changing when exposed, but they certainly are entertaining to be able to see them clearly and laugh at myself.  Actually, I am sure that the one who benefits the most from my awarenesses is my fiancé John. 

John and I met over 2 years ago and prior to that I had been living alone for 11 years.  Being in a relationship is always a beautiful way to become aware of behaviours in ourselves that may require some tweaking.  

Early in our relationship John was leaving for work one morning and I was at the door saying good-bye to him.  I noticed that he didn’t have a coat and it was a cool day. I asked him if he had a coat in the car, and he looked at me rather confused by my question.  I explained that the temperature had dropped overnight and I wasn’t sure if he would be warm enough.  

He grinned at me and sweetly assured me that he would be fine.  In that moment I realized that here was a grown man that I was in a new relationship with and I was playing Mother Hen as if he was a kid.

I laughed and I tried to look really serious as I asked him, how he possibly made it to the age of 62 without me to look after him?  He cracked up laughing and made some witty reply about it being a miracle that he had made it through life this far, without my guidance.  It has now become an ongoing joke that we share.

I have on many occasions caught myself doing that Mother hen thing with John and in a most recent occurrence it took me a little longer than a few seconds to notice what I was doing.  I’m now calling it my need to “fix something that doesn’t need fixing”.  Let me explain.

As the weather has been extremely hot this summer and John’s business is in the construction industry, he wears work pants and high visibility clothing.  There is no other option on many construction sites and yet on other days he works at private homes or businesses where, in my opinion, he could wear a pair of long shorts. 

I suggested that to John and he agreed that he could and I then entered what I call my “dog on a bone” phase of fixing the problem.  I made suggestions of where we could buy these shorts and when we could go and get them and how much more comfortable he would be.  John being the sweet and patient man that he is, would listen to me and politely acknowledge all my wonderful suggestions.

This went on for a couple of days and then I realized that he was still wearing his work pants and none of my suggestions had been acted upon.  I discussed it with John and admitted that I’d been in the “dog on a bone” mode and that I realized I should actually ask him if he wanted to wear shorts to work.  

He was slow to respond and looked slightly worried as he diplomatically told me that he didn’t feel comfortable or very professional in shorts on the job and that he was able to cope with the heat and wearing work pants as he has been doing it for years.   He was so gentle and kind in his response and I could see that he was afraid of hurting my feelings.

It’s like a big light of awareness went off in my head.  How much time have I spent fixing problems for people that weren’t actually a problem for them?  How many people have secretly rolled their eyes and wondered when I would “drop the damn bone”?

I assured John that it would have been safe to tell me that I can step away from this perceived problem, that’s really not a problem.  I said, “for God’s sakes man, save your ears by not letting me go on and on and on”.

We now have a new joke to run with and I am so grateful that we both have a sense of humour that allows us to laugh at ourselves and WITH each other.  

I share this story to assure you that becoming aware of these little quirky ways of being can be so liberating and can bring a levity to your life and your relationship with yourself and others.

Please note that it’s not in your best interest to point out these behaviours in others, it's better to just keep looking at your own, and give our loved ones the gift of finding their own.  For example if you say to your spouse, “YOU need to read this”; well good luck with that.